How to Restore Intimacy & Spice Up Your Marriage After an Affair


If your marriage has been rocked by an affair, it can feel like you'll never get back to a state of emotional and physical intimacy.

There's a lot more to mending your marriage after an affair than just reconnecting, but if you're already doing the work, spicing things up can help you and your spouse rebuild your emotional connection. SGT guide has the tips you need to help you reignite the spark in your marriage after one partner was unfaithful.



How to Restore Intimacy & Spice Up Your Marriage After an Affair

How do you rebuild intimacy after an affair?

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It can take time, so be patient.

Before you can be sexually intimate, you need to feel emotionally safe with each other. If you're the person who cheated, you should know that it can take a year or more for your partner to be able to trust you again. That doesn't mean you have to wait a whole year to have sex, but it does mean you should be prepared to wait until your partner is ready.

The betrayal of infidelity is about more than just sex, and healing involves a lot more than just becoming intimate again.

However, once you're both ready, restoring intimacy in your marriage can help you reconnect and rekindle that spark.



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Intimacy requires honest, courageous discussion from both of you.

There were almost certainly some needs that weren't being met in the relationship prior to the affair. If you're the person who was betrayed, you have to be willing to listen to what your partner wants and needs from you. If you're the person who cheated, you need to be honest about what led up to the affair and what you need to ensure it won't happen to again.

As you have these discussions, speak kindly and gently to each other, without attacking or accusing. Use "I" statements and keep the focus on your feelings. These types of conversations can help you feel more intimately connected.

If you're having trouble communicating without arguing, consider seeing a relationship therapist.



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The betrayed partner may feel insecure for a while.

As you start working toward restoring sexual intimacy, there's a good chance that the person who was cheated on is going to picture the cheating partner with the "other person." They may compare themselves to this person, and wonder if they're as attractive or desirable.

If you're the partner who was cheated on, do your best not to compare yourself to anyone else. Instead, focus on things that make you feel confident and sexy, and take things as slowly as you need to in the bedroom.

It may be helpful to avoid using toys in the bedroom, especially at first, as these can be suggestive of a third party. If you're the person who cheated, you may find yourself comparing relationship sex to affair sex. However, the illicit nature of an affair adds a dangerous, thrilling element that simply isn't present in a relationship. Try focusing on closeness and emotional intimacy instead.




Balancing Emotional and Physical Intimacy

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Yes, rekindling that spark can make intimacy feel more exciting.

When you're spicing things up, you're looking for ways to make your relationship feel more thrilling, interesting, and fun. Since you're already rebuilding your relationship after an affair, it's a good time to learn about each other's fantasies and what turns you on, what you like to do for foreplay, and how often you'd like to be having sex.

Emotional closeness is always an important component of sexual intimacy, but it's especially important when you're healing a relationship after one partner was unfaithful. Spicing things up shouldn't be all about wild sex. In fact, that can sometimes just be a way for one or both partners to cover up their hurt feelings.

It needs to be a process that focuses more on emotional closeness and open communication.



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Spicing things up isn't all about sex.

Intimacy is about a feeling of closeness and emotional connection, and that starts outside the bedroom. It may even take a while before you build up to actually having intercourse. That's okay—go slowly at a pace that feels comfortable for both partners. Practice flirting again—don't underestimate the power of a playful glance or a warm touch when your partner isn't expecting it.

Having a healthy sex life is beneficial to a relationship in a lot of ways. It's a great way to release tension and stress, comfort each other, show each other love, and even to feel better about yourself.

When you do start getting physically close again, focus on lovemaking in the beginning. It should feel comforting and reassuring. It probably doesn't feel like it at first, but an affair can actually improve the intimacy and sex in your relationship. If you're the person who cheated, keep in mind that you may need to go slowly and take the lead from your partner. Focus mostly on their pleasure, with lots of eye contact and verbal affirmations like, "You look beautiful," or "That feels great."




Ideas for Spicing Things Up

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Surprise your partner with a sweet message.

Send a flirty text or email out of the blue to tell your partner that you miss them or you're thinking of them.

You could also leave love notes where your partner will find them later, like in the pocket of their work pants or in their laptop bag.



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Hug your partner frequently.

There are tons of benefits to hugging, and one of the biggest is that it can help you and your partner feel more closely bonded. So any time you think about it, wrap them up in a warm hug—without necessarily expecting it to turn into something sexual.

Hugs can also help people handle stress better, which can be helpful in the aftermath of an affair.



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Touch each other often.

Even casual physical touch can be a great way to spark up a flirtatious feeling in your relationship. Try holding hands while you're watching TV, for instance, or caress your partner's shoulder when you walk past them.

You might not think of it as foreplay, but the more often you touch each other, the easier it will be to move towards physical intimacy.



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Switch up your normal routine.

It's hard to feel sexy when you're stuck in the same old routine of making dinner, doing laundry, putting the kids to bed, and collapsing on the couch for a few minutes. Make a concerted effort to plan new, exciting things together to get you out of your comfort zone.

Try taking a spicy dance class, like salsa, bellydancing, or tango. You might also sign up for a weekend-long couples retreat as a way to get away and reconnect. You could even try learning a new language together. Then, flirt with each other with the phrases you learn!



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Change up your look.

If you're having trouble feeling attractive after your partner cheated on you, a makeover can help restore some of that confidence. In addition, a new look can help crystalize an "out with the old, in with the new" mentality, helping you move forward toward a new future together.

Try out that hairstyle you thought was a little too daring, buy a great-fitting pair of jeans, experiment with new accessories and makeup—anything that helps you feel like a fresh new you.



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Lie down close to each other and talk.

Hold hands and talk about your hopes, dreams, and wishes. This can be a really affectionate and comforting gesture, especially if there's no pressure for it to turn into sex. But, if that does happen, that's great too!

To really make this feel romantic, pick somewhere special, like under the stars in your backyard, in a glamping tent, or even on a trampoline.



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Say "I love you" more often.

After the betrayal of infidelity, it can be hard to feel love, much less express it. But if you want to be emotionally intimate with each other, it's important to get used to saying "I love you" again. Say it often—even if it feels a little stilted at first, you'll get more comfortable the more you do it.



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Tune into your partner every day.

Sometimes it can be easy to just live life side-by-side without ever really turning toward each other. Make your partner feel like a priority by showing them that you care about them as an individual.

For instance, you might set a time each evening where you both put down your phones and talk about how your day was. Make it a habit to share your emotions and check in with your partner about how they're feeling.



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Create a distraction-free bedroom environment.

Don't let chores, parenting, work, or clutter get in the way of your sexual intimacy. Keep your room neat and tidy, and consider making it a space where you don't allow talk about household work, your kids, or other matters that could be stressful. That way, when you head to the bedroom, it will be easier to get into a sexy mindset.

Consider replacing your bedroom linens, especially if the cheating happened at home. Fabrics like silk and satin are especially sensual. You might also add candles, aromatherapy, or romantic lighting to create a more intimate mood in the bedroom.



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Set aside a special date night

When you're starting over after infidelity, it can help to treat each other like you're dating again. Whether it's once a week or once a month, agree to having a set time that's just for each other. During that time, enjoy meals together, games, walks or hikes, cuddling, or even just long talks.

Some couples like having a commitment ritual, like reading poetry or faith tracts together once a week.



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Set aside a night at home just for each other.

Create a sexy, relaxed mood by setting up a romantic date right at home. If you have kids, send them to a babysitter for the night. Have a meal delivered from your favorite restaurant, then enjoy a night of intimacy without any interruptions.

Set your phones to do-not-disturb so you won't be bothered by texts, calls, or social media notifications. You could also go to a hotel, resort, or bed and breakfast for a fun night or weekend together.

One great way to recommit is to plan a special trip as your second honeymoon.



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Talk about physical intimacy.

Get comfortable being vulnerable about what you enjoy or don't enjoy in the bedroom. Be curious about your partner, as well. Ask them questions like:

"Where do you like to be kissed?" "What do you find romantic?" "What makes you feel turned on?" "What do you wish I knew about what you like?" "How would you like me to initiate sex?"




Troubleshooting Intimacy Problems

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Past hurts might resurface as you become more intimate.

Sometimes you may say or do something that might trigger old wounds or issues in your partner. This will usually become less frequent over time, so try not to get discouraged. Be open and accepting of what your partner needs from you, and talk openly about what you need from them.

Both of you have gone through profound changes, so it is important to be honest, accepting, and respectful so you can work through such issues as they arise. It's normal to have questions and uncertainties as you try to restore intimacy to your marriage after an affair.



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Consider seeing a marriage counselor to help you navigate intimacy.

Not every couple will find it easy to open up to each other on their own. It can be a big help to talk to a qualified therapist with training in this area.

They can help mediate difficult discussions and help set things back on track for you both. Your therapist can also help you with trust-building exercises. Seeing a counselor is especially advised if you're having trouble communicating without attacking or interrupting each other, or if your conversations always seem to go off track.




How do we keep growing in intimacy?

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Keep talking to each other.

It will take time before you feel completely comfortable with intimacy again. During that time, it's going to be be really important for both of you to keep talking about your feelings, preferences, hopes, and fears.

Talking is a form of intimacy—it's a form of attentiveness, affection, and care, on which other forms of intimacy are built. Talking to each other will also help you build trust.



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Think of yourselves as a team.

Even though in most cases only one partner has cheated, it can be really helpful to use language like "our affair."

When you see yourself and your partner as a unified team—and affairs as a relationship problem—it can actually be easier to move forward from infidelity.





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